too tired :[

I tried my very best to look happy, i fake laughters a lot. I think im very good at it. It was never hard for me to pretend im okey.

but, there are still times when i can’t bear it anymore. Its too powerful that it left me being frail. As im typing, i know my eyes are getting blurry because of the tears that is on the brink of falling. Let me be sad tonight, and i promise i’d be okay tomorrow. Let me cry. Water still runs through the strands of my hair. I took a quick bath, i need to because i went outside i shed some tears, i shared the pain of heaven. I feel cranky now. I checked out some of my friends gave some comments, i tried to be fine but sadness outshine me. I do not want to talk to anyone, skipped dinner, did not cuddle any of the puppies. phone shut off, handset hanged. 

The rain sadly reminded me I am ALONE.

How could you ask for more with an innocent smile
trusting me to stay
How could you close the door and leave me here
supposing i’m ok
How could you breakdown my disguise
and uncover my fears
How could you look into my eyes
ignoring my tears

mum en dad :]

    Isa sa pinakamasayang gising ko ang umaga na to, tama, kakauwi lang namin, galing saan?alam nyo na yun, bakit thursday night kami natulog dun?aba, mag-nininang sa kasal ang nanay ko hehehe bukas sabado eh kung mamaya pa kami matutulog dun magagahol sya sa pag-aayos bukas 9am kasi ang kasal :]

Bakit masaya ang araw na to? hahaha! may kwento kasi ako natutuwa lang ako sa nangyaring conversation between my mum and dad kaninang umaga, pupungas pungas pa nga ako eh kasi before 6 ginising na ako ni Ate Susan para magbreakfast ng maaga pati sina spiderearl at ate mhay, so after breakfast at magtoothbrush lumabas na ako para tingnan ko kung may bulaklak na ulit ang Camia namin kasi kagabi meron na! grabe ang bango sobra, tuwang tuwa ako mababaw lang naman kasi kaligayahan ko hahaha, iba ang kasiyahan na binigay sa akin ng pamumulaklak ng Camia, gusto mo makita? ito kagabi ko ito kinuhanan :]

 

  

Naishare ko lang ung about sa Camia hehe, oh eto na, sa pamilya namin, lalaki lang ang pwedeng magmaneho at humawak ng sasakyan, yun ang sabi ng tatay ko hehe, eh apat kaming magkakapatid na babae so pag nandito sa Pilipinas ang mga kapatid ko hindi sila pwede magmaneho :] kahit pa ang nanay ko. Ang nanay ko ay meron valid california license dahil 10 years sya sa states, isa syang supervisor sa epson before na naisipan magsettle down dito sa Pinas at ibenta ang bahay namin sa long beach pati ang sasakyan nya, pero magmula nung umuwi sya dito hindi na sya nakapagmaneho dahil ayaw nga ng tatay ko hehehe. may picture din sila ano ka ba?haha teka muna iupload ko pa :]

Usapan nila kanina

(nakasakay na sa Van ako, si ate mhay, ate susan, at spiderearl)

Mommy : Wala pa si Dad? teka teka ako magdrive hanggang sa Guardhouse (sabay ngisi sa amin)

ako : huh?aba my, dalian mo daliiii! andyan na si dad sumakay ka na (kinakabahan kasi hindi pa kami ipinagmamaneho ng mamy, sanay ako kay dad hahaha pero let mum give it a shot :] and we’ll see haha)

Ate Mhay : cge na my, dalian mo hehe andyan na daddy palabas na ng gate.

(si Mamy nakasakay na sabay dating ni Dad)

Dad : Oi my, bumaba ka dyan ano ginagawa mo dyan?

ako : hayaan mo na ang mommy dad, hanggang guardhouse lang (sabay ngiti may kinakain pa ako na tasty haha)

Dad : huh? (pero sumakay na din katabi ko)

Mommy : Yes, Here we go -ngiti pa din sya haha!-

(Nung paliko na kami sa unang Kanto aba aba magaling smooth, maayos, walang kaba kaba halatang sanay, madalas sya matikitan sa free way dati pero over speeding naman hahah kaya kampante na rin kami, isa pa ulit kanto malapit na kami sa Central Park, parang naririnig ko bumubulong si daddy “mamamatay” napatingin ako eto na kasunod n nangyari)

Mommy : (liliko na ng biglang) ay tumigil.

Dad : sabi ko na mamamatay ang makina hahaha! baba ka na dyan ako na haha!!!

ako : haha si daddy nananalangin kanina my, sabi nya mamamatay hahaha ayun kaya namatay hahaha.

Mommy : eh wala pa nga ako sa guard house eh

Daddy : hahaha (lumabas n ng Van at pinalitan si Mommy)

Mommy : (nakasimangot) ang gara naman nyan.

Daddy : hahaha kita mo ung hand break mo hindi pa nakasagad oh, (inayos ang hand break) saka wag mo na ilalagay sa park sa neutral na lang hahaha.

kami : (tumatawa na!)

ako : my, next week magdrive ka sa buong subdivision ubusin mo ang gas kahit magpabalik balik ka pa hahaha!

Mommy : cge cge nga nak, gagawin ko yan -nakangiti na- kain ka nanaman ng kain! db naubos muna yung isa n ginawa ni Susan?

ako : tira ni spiderearl to

Nakakatawa talaga, biglang namatay hahahah buti wala sasakyan sa likod at tulog pa halos ang mga tao hahaha hindi nila napanuod ang eksena ng mga mamy na pinipilit sya pa din magdrive hahaha nasa gita pa naman kami ewan ko kung may nagising sa tawa namin, ayos lang yun hehehe. O sya 7:32 na matutulog na ako ulit, papagroom pa mga pupz mamaya, saka si yuna mukhang matamlay pinainom ko na ng gamot sana kumain na sya mamaya, Okey okey tulugan na ulit :]

pasensya mali ako haha!

Pasensya nagkamali ako, mali pala ang title na binigay ko hahaha 485 dolls pala, hindi na masama isang daan lang ang kulang hehe. Hinahanap ko kasi ang istorya nito ung hindi nirebisa, ung totoong istorya, wala sa emails ko hindi ko makita, ung isang meron ako na nakasave sa inbox ko short version naman. paborito ko pa rin kasi ito. Naalala ko lang talaga kagabi ung entry na “WALA AKONG MAISULAT” echoz ko lang yun, ang haba nga di ba hehe. at saka kaya pala hindi ko makita nung niresearch ko 385 dolls kaya pala may haunted pa na lumalabas, kanina sinubukan ko ulit hanapin at nakita ko naman. Gusto ko ipost ang istorya nun dito baka, baka lang huh, baka kasi may mga hindi pa nakakabasa. Ito mismo ang narinig kong istorya ng homeroom pa namin with Ms. Cerro nung 2nd year highschool ako 21 na ako ngayon hindi ko na rin ako magbibilang pabalik kung ilang taon ako nun. Kung nabasa mo na ang istorya na to, eh wag mo na lang tapusin pero malaya ka pa rin magkomento wag mo lang sasabhin na korni ang istorya haha hindi ayos lang kung korni, korni rin kasi akong tao hehe. o sya cge cge magbasa ka na. gusto mo na patugtugin mo pa ito habang binabasa mo hehe para iba ang atmosphere hehe. Enjoy reading

485 DOLLS

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him.

Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…

“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment
grabbing me.

“No… I am going to meet a friend…”

He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all.
He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…

Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me

I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it.

Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!

I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry”
He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…

Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted…
But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
“Jin, move!”
HONK~!!
“Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me.
That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…

“One…two… three…”
That was how… I started to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty
five…”
It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~”
I dropped the dolls,shocked.

“I….lo..ve…you??”
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.

“I love you~ I love you~”
It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”

“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,
that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…

“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”

The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…

For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life….

-yan yan yun. walang nung nabasa ko ulit yan ngaun naisip ko kung gaano kalungkot ang reaksyon namin sa klase eh, maging mga lalaki napa-awww. yun lang tulugan na ulit hehehe.

wala akong maisulat.

Kanina pa ako nagiisip ng magandang ikwento eh, pero eto nanaman ako wala akong maisip haha. kinakalawang na ang utak ko. Hindi ako badtrip, may isang bagay lang na bumabagabag sa akin. Yung mga kaibigan kong malapit sa akin alam yun. Hindi ko na yun ikukuwento dito. Yun nga, wala akong maisulat na matino. Wala kasi nangyari sa araw ko bukod sa naiirita ako sa sobrang init kanina. ( sa wala akong maisulat na press ko ung shift button ng 5 times hehehe lumabas ung “stickykeys”) sabi ko na wala talaga akong mapipiga. Pipilitin ko nanaman tapusin itong naumpisahan ko na. Wala rin naman kasing papatunghan ito kaya uulitin ko pipilitin ko na lang.

Nung 2nd year highschool ako may naikwento ang adviser namin. 385 dolls, yun ang pagkakaalala ko sa title. Hindi ko na matandaan kung tama ba yun. O baka nga alam nyo na ang kwento nun. Kumalat na ang istorya na yun sa email at nagulat ako isa na syang ipinoforward na text msg. Mahaba sya pero napaikla at napagkasya sa 3msges sa text. Nung una kong marinig ang istorya sobra akong nalungkot at marami rin sa amin ang napaiyak. Palasak na ang istorya na yun ngaun, marami na ang nakabasa, marami na ang nagkomento, marami na rin ang nagbago ng ilang parte nito. Kelan lang kasi nakatanggap nanaman kasi ako ng mensahe sa kwento na yun. Hindi na ako gaanong nalungkot kasi nga alam ko na ang kinahinatnan ng istorya. Naisip ko lang, bakit ganon noh?

bakit may mga bagay na hindi mo kayang bigkasin, hindi mo kayang sabihin. ayaw mamutawi sa bibig mo ang mga salita. nagdalawang isip ka pa

Iniisip ko bakit kaya ganun, hindi ko masabi kung naniniwala ako sa kasabihang

“some things are better left unsaid”

tama ba ito? kasi ako, may isang tao na marami akong gustong sabihin. Wala lang talaga akong lakas ng luob sabihin yun, pakiramdam ko mas ayos nga na hindi ko na lang sabihin eh.

pero minsan hindi din maganda eh, minsan hindi rin okey na kinikimkim mo na lang.

sometimes its much better to burst it out.

Pero sa tingin ko ngayon, dapat manimbang ka, kung sasabihin mo ano na pagkatapos nun. dapat alam mo pwedeng mangyari kapag sinabi mo ang mga bagay na gusto mong sabihin sa isang tao. Handa ka ba sa maririnig mong sagot. o mas tama bang tanungin ko handa ka ba kung mas pipilian nyang wag ng sumagot pa sa mga sinabi mo, mtatanggap mo ba na “he would just walk away?” o ang mas masakit na to na “he won’t even bother to listen?”

Isang tanong pa, karuwagan ba ang pagpili na wag na lang sabihin? kung oo,

aminado ako duwag ako.

sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa wala akong kopya eh. hehe niresearch ko sa net pero hindi ko din makita o tamad talaga akong hanapin, nadiscouraged kasi ako nung hinanap ko 385 dolls, mga lumabas 385 haunted dolls, naman natakot ako hindi ko na itinuloy hahaha. yun lang. wala na ako maisip na idagidag pa dito. tuyo na utak ko eh. saka nagutom din pala ako kasama na rin na naiihi ako haha. tapos nagkukulitan pa kami ni bloom sa ym lalo na ako nwala sa sinusulat ko baliw ba naman kausapin mo eh hehe.